Aeryn Martin Artblog

Corrupt, by Depeche Mode

2010-01-27T09:57:00.001-08:00

This is completely bare since I couldn't find any acoustic guitar tracks for it. If anybody wants to add one feel free! I was listening to the demo version sung by Martin Gore while singing so if you do the same then our tracks will line up perfectly!

Until then I hope you'll still enjoy this. I sure did! :)

How Deep Is Your Love (cover)

2010-01-23T16:58:00.000-08:00

I wanted my next video to be something other than a ballad, but I couldn't wait to find something so... kinda glad I lost patience cause I really like how this turned out:

New haircut, new headshots!

2010-01-18T12:49:00.000-08:00

Headshots for my acting stuff:

Fun pictures for myself and maybe for my future music stuff?

Depeche Mode's The Things You Said (acoustic cover)

2009-11-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

Found this guitar track with vocals by Jamie Myerson on YouTube and was inspired once again to add backing vocals. I'm glad to say he liked it! :)

Original music by Martin Gore of Depeche Mode
Guitar and lead vocals by Jamie Myerson
Added backing vocals by: Aeryn Martin (myself)

Waiting On A Sign

2009-09-21T18:09:00.000-07:00

Saw this guy with his guitar on Robson & Burrard in Vancouver, was in AWE, saw his name on his guitar case and repeated it in my head several times on my way home to make sure I would be able to look him up on YouTube. I did, found this video and that's that. :)

Here is Waiting on a Sign by Bodhi Jones, with added backing vocals by myself.

Eye Tutorial

2009-09-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

I was in the mood! I needed to draw something, but didn't have much time to spare - as usual this year - so this is what I came up with. Hope it helps someone. :)

Season Premiere Dates

2009-08-02T15:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, so everybody who knows me knows how much I like my television. Okay, when they see this they may realize they had no clue just HOW MUCH I like it! :D

I got started looking up when some of my favorite shoes are coming back and then realized I'm glad that some other shows are ending just in time! Woof!

THU, Sep 10
Vampire Diaries - new show. Don't know much about it but it has vampires in it... Good enough reason for me to give it a try. Okay, apparently a good vampire and a bad vampire, brothers, want the same (human) girl. There.

Supernatural - been watching this one since season 1 and love it! Apparently the show was planned to have 5 seasons so even though I wouldn't mind it running longer than that I hope they won't sell out to make it so. In any case, this should promise to be another great season with sibling banter and rock music!

Joining the THU lineup a week later, Sep 17
Bones - the last season's finale disappointed me greatly. PLEASE! Amnesia?? That's been done to DEATH! Are we in the 80s? Aaanyway, loved the show up to that point so I'll sure as hell tune in again.

Fringe - only just discovered this one, am catching up and am enjoying it! It's a fun little show, if certain aspects are a little repetitive. But the epic background "pattern" storyline has potential.

THURSDAYS will be CRAZY!!! :)

MON, Sep 21
Heroes - YAY! Admittedly these guys can do what they want I'll still tune in. They'd have to mess up BIG TIME for me to give up on this show.

THU Sep 24
Mentalist - fun show, ALSO on Thursdays!! If I find that I can't keep up though then this is the one that I tend to watch last.

FRI, Sep 25
Dollhouse - HOORAY! Glad we got another season! Joss Whedon blew me away with Buffy and Angel and apparently has a 5-year plan for these characters all worked out so I'll be along for the ride!

Smallville - Season 9... wow. There were plenty of moments when I thought about or actually did give up on this show. But the last couple of seasons have been strong again and I'm just itching to see Clark take off for the first time!!! Though apparently that won't happen any time soon. Can we morph this show into "Metropolis" some time? Glad to see Justin Hartley and other favorites back, and NOT certain other characters. Made the show so much better when they left!!

SUN, Sep 27
Dexter - YAAAAY! My favorite serial killer will be back!! This show is just ridiculously good!! Can't wait! Never a dull moment with this guy!

FRI, Oct 2
Stargate Universe - "New Battlestar Galactica?" I loved SG-1 and actually did think at some point that I'd love to get a darker version of that. They heard me. I wanted to be on that show so badly!!! With Robert Carlisle, Lou Diamond Philipps, Ming Na, Alaina Huffmann (aka Smallville's Black Canary and Painkiller Jane's Maureen Bowers. Never liked her in those roles but I think this one will suit her!)... and for being as much of a Stargate fan as me David Blue (as Eli Wallace) is already my fav! :)

FRI, Oct 9
Sanctuary - joins SG-U on the Friday evenings a week later. This is another show that I tend to watch only once I have seen everything else. I did enjoy the first season but... we'll see. I WANT to like this show so badly!

With Dollhouse and Smallville also on Fridays... FRIDAYS WILL BE CRAZY, TOO!!! (Unless somebody gives in and moves things... can this competition within the same genre be healthy?)

SAT, Nov 7
Legend of the Seeker - FUN! It's what I wanted XENA to be. I never liked the over the top silly... audience-is-in-on-the-joke stuff. This is darker and still fun. Wonder what they'll serve for a story line this season!

MON, Jan 17, 2010
24 - Last season was great again and this season will have Katee Sackhoff (BSG's Starbuck) which is reason enough for me to tune in cause she's cool! :)

Carpenters' Rainy Days & Mondays

2009-07-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

I recently moved to a new flat-share in the West-End of Vancouver. So pretty! But noisy, too, so I haven't been able to record any new songs in a while. I hate background noise in my recordings...

But ever since my new acting course started I've just not been able to ignore the URGE to sing again! So I went and bought myself a microphone. Here is the latest of my covers!

Guitar track by Hiroshi Masuda (peacejoytown at youtube). Used with permission.

The Panther, by Rainer Maria Rilke

2009-05-23T13:09:00.000-07:00

I was walking along for some... brunch and suddenly thought of that poem. No idea why. THAT poem. The one poem that, as a 12-year-old (or so), I chose to memorize. I was never one to do homework, let alone anything I didn't absolutely have to do. But this stuck. And even when I hadn't thought of it for many years I never forgot those words:

Der Panther von Rainer Maria Rilke
Im Tiergarten von Paris

Sein Blick ist vom Vorübergehn der Stäbe
so müd geworden, dass er nichts mehr hält.
Ihm ist, als ob es tausend Stäbe gäbe
Und hinter tausend Stäben keine Welt.

Der weiche Gang geschmeidig starker Schritte,
der sich im allerkleinsten Kreise dreht,
ist wie ein Tanz von Kraft um eine Mitte,
in der betäubt ein großer Wille steht.

Nur manchmal hebt der Vorhang der Pupille
sich lautlos auf -. Dann geht ein Blick hinein,
geht durch der Glieder angespannten Stille -
und hört im Herzen auf zu sein.

I realised that I absolutely pity anyone who doesn't understand the true beauty of the original German words. I got back to my computer and just couldn't find a translation that I thought did the piece any justice so here is my attempt (I tried to stay close to the original):

The Panther by Rainer Maria Rilke
In the Zoological Garden of Paris

His gaze has, from the passing of the bars,
gotten so tired that nothing captures it anymore.
To him it is, as if there were a thousand bars
and behind a thousand bars no world.

The soft stride of smooth strong steps,
that spins round in the tiniest circle,
is like a dance of strength around a center,
in which, numbly, a great will stands.

Only sometimes the curtain of the pupil
rises silently. — Then an image enters,
goes through the limbs’ tense silence —
and in the heart ceases to exist.

PHP/MySQL lesson #X+1

2009-05-10T16:52:00.000-07:00

I've been on holiday and one way for me to relax is working on my website. Yes. That's right. Programming is relaxing.

So I've been struggling with this image gallery of mine... Not very relaxing! I wanted to upload images into my database and found a script tutorial for that easily enough. Done. Voila!

Then I wanted to display many of the images from my database at the same time. On my webpage. How the hell does that work??? I know how to search for them but how do I display the blob?

I searched the web again and found script after script but none of them were working! I looked for errors in the code (oh and there were errors!), tried moving things around, nothing helped. The error messages just changed... I was getting error messages, seeing a blank page... the highlight was seeing blank squares that were supposed to be images!

Turns out the code was working just fine...

But nobody told me that the table with the images isn't supposed to carry any other information (like tags for example)! As soon as I removed all the non-essential columns in my images table the script started working. Hooray!

So ONLY include the columns: id, name, size, type and content (or data, as some tutorials preferred to call it). Nothing else!

Rant over. I hope some poor soul finds this and is saved some trouble...

PS: If I'm getting something wrong please tell me. I am one of those who don't mind not knowing how a script works as long as it works. I'd love to actually study this stuff but I have other priorities.

New Blog coming soon!

2009-04-11T13:09:00.000-07:00

I'll be busy transferring posts from my previous blogs to this one but there is quite a few of them and I can't export/import them... so it'll take a couple of weeks I guess. Stick around! :)

I'll follow the Sun

2008-11-03T13:28:00.000-08:00

Yes, I messed up while recording the video so I recorded the voice on top of it. So the video doesn't quite match up. It's still me singing though. Honest! On two separate layers even. :)
Original guitar video by adrianholovaty.

Jokes #2

2008-09-27T10:48:00.000-07:00

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work out?” they wonder, “Are we stuck together forever?” St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.” “Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple. “Geez!” St. Peter exclaims, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer?”

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say “That should be me up there!”
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, “Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said “Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, “yes.” He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, “Moses.” The burglar asked, “what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?” The parrot said, “the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

Jokes #1

2008-09-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church.”

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000.”

The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000.”

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting flies,” He responded.
“Oh, killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I’m afraid to pee.

Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper

2008-08-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

Yep! Saw an ad for a new karaoke website. Tried it out. Enjoyed it, but at times - well, ALWAYS really - it’s very slow. So I thought I’d surf my way through YouTube, looking for acoustic recordings of songs I like. I found one by gjourney! So I had a few hours of fun with it, recording various tracks of me singing, then putting it all together in GarageBand. I LOVE my Macbook!! :)

No Country for Old Men

2008-03-03T10:45:00.000-08:00

The acting was great and I enjoyed watching that - but I did have my problems understanding what they were saying at times and I had time to think about whether I liked the movie or not even while watching it - meaning my mind wandered and the movie didn’t grab my attention as much as I would have liked. I didn’t hate it but I can think of better ways to spend two hours.

The Bucket List

2008-03-03T10:44:00.000-08:00

Oh my! I haven’t laughed or cried so hard in I don’t know how long! At times I thought the movie was a little slow, but as soon as the thought came up the next great scene followed! A beautiful movie.

We Own the Night

2008-02-28T10:43:00.000-08:00

I saw this at the cinema last night and it was definitely money well spent. I doubt I’ll buy this on DVD though.

I went in expecting the movie to be rather different to what it turned out to be, which wasn’t a bad thing. But once I had figured out where this was going I thought it was a little predictable - and I am not the kind to sit there thinking about what could happen next! I just wasn’t surprised when it happened.

The ending was left a little too open for my liking. No doubt the story had come to an end but I’d have liked a little more detail about the characters.

Still. I came out of the cinema and was happy for a few hours well spent and this review might sound a little more negative than I want it to.

Stargate: The Ark of Truth

2008-02-28T10:42:00.000-08:00

I got the chance to watch this movie a little before it’s release and I loved it! Looking forward to the release on DVD cause I am sure as hell going to buy it immediately.

The only thing I didn’t like was the lack of explanation what happened since the end of season 10. Obviously some time has passed (and they chose to just not comment on Carter’s long hair, but from an actor’s point of view I can understand it. It’s just hair after all. ). There were a few moments when I didn’t like the acting, but admittedly I have come to expect those moments in the series. Tight shooting schedule I suppose won’t allow to really dive into the scene.

However, there were definitely some great dialogue moments again! I love the dynamic in this new “post-season-8″ team! Especially thanks to Vala.

As soon as I saw the opening title I noticed how well this would work as a series of movies à la Star Trek! I hope we’ll see more Stargate movies after Continuum!

I Am Legend

2008-01-16T10:41:00.000-08:00

I enjoyed it and am happy to have seen it cause I won’t buy it on DVD…

At first I didn’t even like the concept - it felt too sensational, if you know what i mean… But I liked what they did with it! I cared about the character and at one point I cried like a baby!

The ending was too Hollywood for my liking. I felt it was more about giving the actor a chance to shine than telling a good story. It felt cliche.

Still, it was good entertainment, some eye candy and 2 hours well spent.

JUDGE! (Helping out)

2004-11-30T10:06:00.000-08:00

There was tension in class today because of a discussion we had last Friday. A similar subject was brought up today on the BB (a message board I post at) and it got me into writing mood. About the world today, the people in it, helping others and stuff like that.

In class we have been having the problem that there are some people who feel the need to judge others. "Oooh! She says she's ill but I'm sure she's not!" That kind of stuff. Normally I wouldn't care about what one person thinks of another - it is none of my business - but if you are in a group of 11 people and a couple of them start spreading rumors like that or simply a negative attitude it really starts affecting the group as a whole. So we had this aforementioned discussion.

In the discussion on the BB some people thought it was funny to see someone missing a bus. I can understand that. But I have a slightly different perspective on that one, which ties in with the group discussion of last week. Here is the BB discussion:

ME: "It really pisses me off when I see someone running after a bus - they can almost touch it and knock - and that asshole of a bus driver feels the need to teach them a lesson. Ugh!

Or you run for the bus and it is about to drive off and you know the driver didn't see you but there is this person right in front of the bus waiting for another - and that person does NOTHING! And you arrive there just thinking "You really could have done something, bitch!"

I have been that person waaaay too many times."

HIM: "I hate it when strangers expect ME to make up for their lack of responsibility."

ME: "lol!

Wow. You really hit a soft spot there. We just had a discussion about a very similar thing in my class. About people judging other people and about riding on principles. Nothing personal, but this is what was said:

- Other's business is none of yours.
- Unless you have known someone for years and years and been really close to them you are in no position to judge them. And therefore shouldn't.
- You should not force your principles onto others.
- Don't always just assume the worst from other people. (In this case they might have a good reason for being late and really really need to get it urgently - random example: I have to get to an interview and my best friend calls audibly crying her eyes out.)

And more specifically - what do you lose if you gesture to the driver than someone else is coming? I do it and it makes me feel happy to see someone else happy because of it. But then again, I have been called "too social" so what do I know?"

HIM: "I'm not saying that I SHOULDN'T help you. It certainly would be a nice gesture, especially towards a stranger who is going to hop on a bus and will not be able to pay me back with sex. But you should not EXPECT me to do it and be mad at me if I don't. It's not my fault you're late for the bus. That's my point."

ME: "As the world is - I don't EXPECT you to do it.

Nevertheless, I do wish that it was natural for people to help each other out with little gestures like that. And those are the moments when I think to myself that the world would be a much better place if they did. Sounds a little melodramatic I know. Doesn't lessen my point though.

It actually happened a few times over here in Germany recently. I was late for the train (not my fault), I ran down the stairs while the doors were already closing. I shout "Someone hold the door open!" and someone did. I tell ya: I kept that positive energy for the rest of the day. It happened two or three times and I did the same for someone else without the person needing to shout for it, cause most people have a little more dignitiy than me. Or pride.

Bloody hell! I'm rambling!

I hope you get my point. Life can be so much nicer with a little more positivity. I am creeping myself out now. I don't normally babble about stuff like this.

PS: OH! And if I am mad because you didn't stop the bus for me then I am not mad at YOU personally, but more at the world as it is because after all you are a product of it. In a way. If you know what I mean. It is not the standard to help someone out like that so people don't.

THIRD PERSON: "I agree, I'd hold a bus for someone shouting and running, why not?"

ME: "The challenge is to do it even if they are NOT shouting or looking at you beggingly.

But in today's society that is a tough task indeed! For most at least."

There you go. My 2 cents for today.

First blog entry!

2004-11-29T10:04:00.000-08:00

Here we go! I have wanted to start this for absolutely ages!! I shall come here to be happy, sad, mad and talk about everything that moves me.

Just to get things started a little summary of what is going on at the moment:
Drama school of course. Had a major identity crisis two weeks ago and it helped me a lot. But I have talked soo much about it already I don't feel like writing about it again. Let's just say that as a result of that weekend I have become more self confident and less scared of... well,... embarassing myself or separating myself from others. Not in a way that I am making myself an outsider - in fact, I have been an outsider ever since I was 9 years old. As a result of that I became, as class mates called it for the lack of a better word - "too social". Meaning that I was trying to please everyone and didn't dare disagreeing with anyone. I earned the compliments of being the kindest and sweetest person and all that, but I didn't want that. The person people were describing was someone I didn't like.

I am now NOT less understanding, respectful or any of those other things people mention as my good values. They are still a large and important part of me and I value them a lot. But that weekend two weeks ago something clicked. Since then I have been able to disagree with people - not disrespectfully - and have proper conversations whereas before I would just stand there and nod. I also don't let people walk all over me anymore. And to my surprise: People are liking it! I was always scared that if I let my "dark side" (geek is coming out of hiding here) out to play I would piss people off and really just screw things up! But no!

I am still getting used to it and it is somewhat scary but it is all good. Well, nothing ever is, is it? If I have disagreements with people I go home and think about them whereas earlier my mind would just be at peace. Quiet. How boring is THAT? ^_^

That was that.

Then there are my hobbies: I have a few comic scripts written up that should be published by summer 05, and I am planning on drawing one of them myself, which is very scary since I haven't done much of sequential art at all! But I'll manage.

I also started playing darts again. And it seems I am rather talented! The other day I got all three darts in bull's eye (even though the second one bounced off the first). That was a great moment! Haven't been able to achieve that again since but... nevermind. ^_^

My new flat is shaping up nicely. I now got a desk which means I no longer get back ache from sitting in front of the PC. Should get table and chairs today so I can invite people for some board games or something.

Right. Not in the mood to write any more. Laters!

Fazit

2004-11-29T10:01:00.000-08:00

Well! What a year!!

When I wrote the previous pages back in July 2003 I was very scared of what my life would be like. I was stuck in an office job that I didn't want to be doing and scared of having to do that for the rest of my life. In the following weeks I read these pages again and again, getting more and more scared. The desire to at least try to live the life I want became overwhelming. I spoke to my Mum during one of our many lunch breaks and she agreed that I had to do something. So I did.

I applied for drama schools, was rejected 5 times, then was accepted at a drama school in Germany, have since quit my job, sold my house, said goodbye to friends in the UK and moved to Germany!

My 4-year drama course started in September 04 and I am loving it!! I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. It was the right time and everything in my life seems to have led up to this. I am looking forward to a life full of excitement, creativity and soul searching.

The course has been incredibly interesting, exciting and very often very scary, but that is another story and shall be told another time. (When I am feeling more poetic than I am today.)

The bike

2003-07-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

So far all of my bicycles have been stolen. Admittedly I didn't lock them very often but hey! I was a teen at the time and didn't really see money as being something important. It was just a bike after all. But when my last bike - which I actually did care about - was stolen from the back of my (shared) house about two years ago I thought it just wasn't to be. I suppressed the fact that again I hadn't locked it but damn! it was in my back garden!

It's two years later (Jul03). I have grown up. I now know what it is like to not have much money to spare. I kept delaying it but in the end I did go and buy another bike. That was about three weeks ago. I realized that it was not a matter of fate that all my bikes had been stolen. It was simply the fact that I hadn't locked them! I am now more responsible with my belongings - especially the expensive ones. (I will let you know should this bike get stolen again - promise!)

Today I was riding along on a very quiet road (industrial estate on a Saturday afternoon) and started experimenting with the bike. Let one hand go, let the other go - just briefly. Suddenly I was reminded of times when I was around 15 years old.

I remembered this steep bumpy winding road which I used to cycle down on my way to school every morning. I remembered speeding it down free hand with my eyes closed just to freak out anyone who saw me. I also did it when noone was around to see me. I enjoyed it and I told myself that I knew every single bump and hole on the road. But of course I didn't.

Then I remembered how I speeded over roads knowing that I would definitely just miss the approaching car. I wasn't aware how dangerous my "driving" style was. It was just fun for me. It was my attempt at living my life to the fullest. Nothing ever happened to me. Not a single accident. I started to believe that I was protected in some way, that I was not supposed to die just yet. And even though one might assume that I suddenly went crazy and started doing stupid things (or just more of them) it actually had quite the opposite effect. I calmed down and suddenly felt like I had a responsibility. I don't know how to explain it any further but that's when I started believing that everything happens for a reason.

I guess I am just trying to say that there is a lesson in everything that happens. Trying to find it is the challenge and my responsibility. That's my way of living life to it's fullest.

--> Fazit

Super heroes & the like

2003-07-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

Fantasy, roleplaying, super hero comics and movies... escape from life? Not for me.

I LOVE LIFE! In fact I love it soo much that the fact that I am apparently only ever going to live one of them makes me angry. I would like to experience it from all sorts of different angles but I came into this world with these parents (nothing against my parents), with my background, with my personality, influences and surroundings. I will never know what it is like to grow up in a different town or country or family. I will never know what person I would be had I grown up being extremely poor or filthy rich. I will never know what it is like to be out of control (I don't think anyway). For you RPG players out there I see myself being somewhere between NG and LG, and I will probably never know what it is like to be anything other than that.

The reason why I want to be an actress is that when I try to understand another character so well that I can act like them it makes me feel like I am cheating life. Like I am getting more than I paid for. In those moments I am experiencing life from a different angle. It doesn't matter what the story is about as long as it is different from mine.

Is fantasy a way for me to escape from life? No. It is just another perspective or reality of life that I will never experience as such. In that way super hero movies are just like any real life drama. They just have a little twist.

--> The bike

Money, money, money

2003-07-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

Money alone doesn't make you happy. But it sure helps!

This page is more like personal brainstorming so if you'd rather read something a little more general just skip ahead to --> super heroes and the like.

For about two years I lived in shared houses and therefore had hardly any monthly expenses. That gave me a very nice life style! I bought one or two video box sets a month and had pizza or curry delivered about three times a week. My account never went below 0 and even though I lived quite a bit away from my friends and only saw them every couple of weeks I was more or less happy. I felt free and spent my time on my own creating SG.com. Then the previously mentioned events happened and now I live in my house and have most of my money going out for bills. I have bought maybe two DVDs and CDs this year (ok, I went on a desperate shopping spree last week and bought 8 DVDs at £6 each!). I have not bought a single video/DVD box set in the last 18 months. Sure there are things of more importance but the fact that I can not afford them makes me unhappy. Depressed at times.

Surely if I want more money I just need to get a better job! I even could! I know there are jobs out there that would earn me more money. They would of course also be boring office jobs that I'd probably like a lot less than my current job!

I could throw everything away and go back to uni or college. Give up my house, my social life and study for a better career and work at the same time to pay the bills. It is not what I want, though I am honestly having a hard time putting the thought of it aside. My dream after all is acting but I guess I will try it through local theaters first before throwing everything I have right now away. (I have changed my mind since I wrote this and I am currently applying to Drama schools. Feb04)

How about just putting a lot of effort into my current job and moving up within the company. Become a manager! That means more money! That would be great, wouldn't it? Not for me, thanks. I want to put my energy into my life, my hobbies. I don't want a job that comes with more responsibility and makes me work overtime. I don't want to be one of those people with work mobile phone - always available in case something goes wrong. In a way I want a life that is just not possible in today's world unless you are lucky or a genius. I want it all and I want it now. And that's what makes me write these lines.

My thoughts keep circling around this one question: Is there any way at all that I could make my life less ordinary?

--> super heroes & the like

The normal life

2003-07-10T09:55:00.000-07:00

I always wanted something different for my life. Back in the days when I was still thinking about what kind of career I wanted to make I never knew what I wanted. But I knew I didn't ever want to do an office job. Maybe I could be an artist? Or a journalist? Well guess what!

I live the normal life. I get up in the morning, take a shower, have a quick breakfast while running for the bus that will get me to work. (not got a driving license yet.)
I have a 9to5 office job. It is a nice job as jobs go. But I will have to work unpaid overtime during the next two months or so and I hate the thought if it. In the evenings I leave work, generally with a headache which will go away within minutes of me getting home. Then I will start doing all the things I really enjoy:

Watch movies, work on my website, practice my anime drawing skills, write my fanfiction, paint scenes of LotR on my walls, chat to friends on forums and via MSN, record mini discs for my way to work, roleplay one day in the week, play board games on another, go to the cinema, meet my parents in a local pub from time to time, go into London for a night out, practice my Karate every day and I love yoga!

I am lying. I don't have time to do all these things. Maybe I will do all of them over a period of a few months. But I have never even tried yoga before, though I'd like to. Have you ever felt like there are just not enough days in the week? I am scared of living my life like this with hardly any time to do all the things I enjoy doing.

Back in January 2002 I was ready to change my life. I was ready to leave my office job and go back to college/university. I made the decision of becoming an actress. I had been toying with the idea for years and finally found the guts to say it out loud. I got as far as filling in an application form. All I needed to do was send it out and hope that I'd be good enough at the audition.

Then my Mum came up with the idea of helping me to buy a house. I had been living in shared houses until then and it seemed foolish to let such an opportunity go. That's it! It didn't seem wrong. It seemed foolish. I did what education and common sense told me to do. When it came to making a decision I made it with my mind, not my heart. Just writing these lines makes me angry.

So here I am sitting in my own little house leading the normal life. It's not all bad! As I said I love life with all it's ups and downs! But it doesn't change the fact that i wish it was more.

I recently took a week off work and I loved it. It made me realize what I was missing out on and it made me write these lines. I'd get up in the morning knowing that I could do whatever I wanted all day! Well, not *everything*. I can't afford that. That brings me to my next issue...

--> Money, money, money

Intro

2003-07-10T09:51:00.000-07:00

Hi there!

I don't know what's come over me but I suddenly felt like putting some of my thoughts down in writing. These pages are all about me, me, me. And about life. And I don't expect anybody to ever read them. But if you do, feel free to comment. Why am I putting this online? Well, I guess my hope is that some fantastic like minded guy reads this, contacts me and I've never met him before but he happens to live around the corner of mine. Have I mentioned that he's georgious looking? Hey! Gotta have dreams! Another thought is that deep down I would prefer to tell this stuff into someone's face but unless they'd never ever interrupt me and let me explain everything very carefully (sometimes taking several minutes to think about how to do that) then they'd probably just tell me to see a psychiatrist!

Now where shall I start. Life sucks. Oops! Don't get me wrong. I love life with all it's ups and downs. Am I suicidal? No. Far from it. Life is an experience far too valuable to miss. After all, how could we appreciate the ups without experiencing the downs from time to time. It's the downs that help us develop and grow. Life is a journey. Bad and horrible things happen along the way. But I believe (actually.. I have absolutely no doubt) that everything happens for a reason. That's turned out to be a very healthy approach to life for me. My motto is to enjoy life and see the good in everything that happens. Shit happens. But when it does I think about how it might help my personal development. Doesn't make sense? Nevermind. Life rarely does. Or does it?

Still reading? Wow! You wouldn't happen to be a gorgeous looking guy living round the corner of mine, would you? You've probably seen me around. I often listen to music or sing while walking down the road or waiting at the bus stop. You would only have heard me sing if I didn't see you though. I am shy like that. I usually look pretty serious most of the time. I hope you are not one of those guys who tell me that I should cheer up or smile. I am not being miserable and I don't need cheering up. I am probably just thinking about life and what it is and what it isn't.

If you've ever seen me enter or leave my home then you might have thought that I seem a bit young to own a house like that. That's because I am. I am lucky to have parents who offered me to pay the deposit of this pretty house while I live in it and basically buy it off them. But just as one would expect, everything comes with a price. While this pretty little house is the cause for lots of good things in my life, it has also been my greatest challenge yet. Let me explain:
advantages: freedom, control
down side: lack of the above.

Freedom is very important to me. While I feel free to do what I want in my own home I also feel chained by the bills, by the location, even by the grass in the garden that just keeps growing despite my best efforts of convincing it to stop growing once it's reached a height of 5cm. See my point?

--> living the "normal" life