JUDGE! (Helping out)

There was tension in class today because of a discussion we had last Friday. A similar subject was brought up today on the BB (a message board I post at) and it got me into writing mood. About the world today, the people in it, helping others and stuff like that.

In class we have been having the problem that there are some people who feel the need to judge others. "Oooh! She says she's ill but I'm sure she's not!" That kind of stuff. Normally I wouldn't care about what one person thinks of another - it is none of my business - but if you are in a group of 11 people and a couple of them start spreading rumors like that or simply a negative attitude it really starts affecting the group as a whole. So we had this aforementioned discussion.

In the discussion on the BB some people thought it was funny to see someone missing a bus. I can understand that. But I have a slightly different perspective on that one, which ties in with the group discussion of last week. Here is the BB discussion:

ME: "It really pisses me off when I see someone running after a bus - they can almost touch it and knock - and that asshole of a bus driver feels the need to teach them a lesson. Ugh!

Or you run for the bus and it is about to drive off and you know the driver didn't see you but there is this person right in front of the bus waiting for another - and that person does NOTHING! And you arrive there just thinking "You really could have done something, bitch!"

I have been that person waaaay too many times."

HIM: "I hate it when strangers expect ME to make up for their lack of responsibility."

ME: "lol!

Wow. You really hit a soft spot there. We just had a discussion about a very similar thing in my class. About people judging other people and about riding on principles. Nothing personal, but this is what was said:

- Other's business is none of yours.
- Unless you have known someone for years and years and been really close to them you are in no position to judge them. And therefore shouldn't.
- You should not force your principles onto others.
- Don't always just assume the worst from other people. (In this case they might have a good reason for being late and really really need to get it urgently - random example: I have to get to an interview and my best friend calls audibly crying her eyes out.)

And more specifically - what do you lose if you gesture to the driver than someone else is coming? I do it and it makes me feel happy to see someone else happy because of it. But then again, I have been called "too social" so what do I know?"

HIM: "I'm not saying that I SHOULDN'T help you. It certainly would be a nice gesture, especially towards a stranger who is going to hop on a bus and will not be able to pay me back with sex. But you should not EXPECT me to do it and be mad at me if I don't. It's not my fault you're late for the bus. That's my point."

ME: "As the world is - I don't EXPECT you to do it.

Nevertheless, I do wish that it was natural for people to help each other out with little gestures like that. And those are the moments when I think to myself that the world would be a much better place if they did. Sounds a little melodramatic I know. Doesn't lessen my point though.

It actually happened a few times over here in Germany recently. I was late for the train (not my fault), I ran down the stairs while the doors were already closing. I shout "Someone hold the door open!" and someone did. I tell ya: I kept that positive energy for the rest of the day. It happened two or three times and I did the same for someone else without the person needing to shout for it, cause most people have a little more dignitiy than me. Or pride.

Bloody hell! I'm rambling!

I hope you get my point. Life can be so much nicer with a little more positivity. I am creeping myself out now. I don't normally babble about stuff like this.

PS: OH! And if I am mad because you didn't stop the bus for me then I am not mad at YOU personally, but more at the world as it is because after all you are a product of it. In a way. If you know what I mean. It is not the standard to help someone out like that so people don't.

THIRD PERSON: "I agree, I'd hold a bus for someone shouting and running, why not?"

ME: "The challenge is to do it even if they are NOT shouting or looking at you beggingly.

But in today's society that is a tough task indeed! For most at least."

There you go. My 2 cents for today.

First blog entry!

Here we go! I have wanted to start this for absolutely ages!! I shall come here to be happy, sad, mad and talk about everything that moves me.

Just to get things started a little summary of what is going on at the moment:
Drama school of course. Had a major identity crisis two weeks ago and it helped me a lot. But I have talked soo much about it already I don't feel like writing about it again. Let's just say that as a result of that weekend I have become more self confident and less scared of... well,... embarassing myself or separating myself from others. Not in a way that I am making myself an outsider - in fact, I have been an outsider ever since I was 9 years old. As a result of that I became, as class mates called it for the lack of a better word - "too social". Meaning that I was trying to please everyone and didn't dare disagreeing with anyone. I earned the compliments of being the kindest and sweetest person and all that, but I didn't want that. The person people were describing was someone I didn't like.

I am now NOT less understanding, respectful or any of those other things people mention as my good values. They are still a large and important part of me and I value them a lot. But that weekend two weeks ago something clicked. Since then I have been able to disagree with people - not disrespectfully - and have proper conversations whereas before I would just stand there and nod. I also don't let people walk all over me anymore. And to my surprise: People are liking it! I was always scared that if I let my "dark side" (geek is coming out of hiding here) out to play I would piss people off and really just screw things up! But no!

I am still getting used to it and it is somewhat scary but it is all good. Well, nothing ever is, is it? If I have disagreements with people I go home and think about them whereas earlier my mind would just be at peace. Quiet. How boring is THAT? ^_^

That was that.

Then there are my hobbies: I have a few comic scripts written up that should be published by summer 05, and I am planning on drawing one of them myself, which is very scary since I haven't done much of sequential art at all! But I'll manage.

I also started playing darts again. And it seems I am rather talented! The other day I got all three darts in bull's eye (even though the second one bounced off the first). That was a great moment! Haven't been able to achieve that again since but... nevermind. ^_^

My new flat is shaping up nicely. I now got a desk which means I no longer get back ache from sitting in front of the PC. Should get table and chairs today so I can invite people for some board games or something.

Right. Not in the mood to write any more. Laters!

Fazit

Well! What a year!!

When I wrote the previous pages back in July 2003 I was very scared of what my life would be like. I was stuck in an office job that I didn't want to be doing and scared of having to do that for the rest of my life. In the following weeks I read these pages again and again, getting more and more scared. The desire to at least try to live the life I want became overwhelming. I spoke to my Mum during one of our many lunch breaks and she agreed that I had to do something. So I did.

I applied for drama schools, was rejected 5 times, then was accepted at a drama school in Germany, have since quit my job, sold my house, said goodbye to friends in the UK and moved to Germany!

My 4-year drama course started in September 04 and I am loving it!! I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. It was the right time and everything in my life seems to have led up to this. I am looking forward to a life full of excitement, creativity and soul searching.

The course has been incredibly interesting, exciting and very often very scary, but that is another story and shall be told another time. (When I am feeling more poetic than I am today.)

The bike

So far all of my bicycles have been stolen. Admittedly I didn't lock them very often but hey! I was a teen at the time and didn't really see money as being something important. It was just a bike after all. But when my last bike - which I actually did care about - was stolen from the back of my (shared) house about two years ago I thought it just wasn't to be. I suppressed the fact that again I hadn't locked it but damn! it was in my back garden!

It's two years later (Jul03). I have grown up. I now know what it is like to not have much money to spare. I kept delaying it but in the end I did go and buy another bike. That was about three weeks ago. I realized that it was not a matter of fate that all my bikes had been stolen. It was simply the fact that I hadn't locked them! I am now more responsible with my belongings - especially the expensive ones. (I will let you know should this bike get stolen again - promise!)

Today I was riding along on a very quiet road (industrial estate on a Saturday afternoon) and started experimenting with the bike. Let one hand go, let the other go - just briefly. Suddenly I was reminded of times when I was around 15 years old.

I remembered this steep bumpy winding road which I used to cycle down on my way to school every morning. I remembered speeding it down free hand with my eyes closed just to freak out anyone who saw me. I also did it when noone was around to see me. I enjoyed it and I told myself that I knew every single bump and hole on the road. But of course I didn't.

Then I remembered how I speeded over roads knowing that I would definitely just miss the approaching car. I wasn't aware how dangerous my "driving" style was. It was just fun for me. It was my attempt at living my life to the fullest. Nothing ever happened to me. Not a single accident. I started to believe that I was protected in some way, that I was not supposed to die just yet. And even though one might assume that I suddenly went crazy and started doing stupid things (or just more of them) it actually had quite the opposite effect. I calmed down and suddenly felt like I had a responsibility. I don't know how to explain it any further but that's when I started believing that everything happens for a reason.

I guess I am just trying to say that there is a lesson in everything that happens. Trying to find it is the challenge and my responsibility. That's my way of living life to it's fullest.

--> Fazit

Super heroes & the like

Fantasy, roleplaying, super hero comics and movies... escape from life? Not for me.

I LOVE LIFE! In fact I love it soo much that the fact that I am apparently only ever going to live one of them makes me angry. I would like to experience it from all sorts of different angles but I came into this world with these parents (nothing against my parents), with my background, with my personality, influences and surroundings. I will never know what it is like to grow up in a different town or country or family. I will never know what person I would be had I grown up being extremely poor or filthy rich. I will never know what it is like to be out of control (I don't think anyway). For you RPG players out there I see myself being somewhere between NG and LG, and I will probably never know what it is like to be anything other than that.

The reason why I want to be an actress is that when I try to understand another character so well that I can act like them it makes me feel like I am cheating life. Like I am getting more than I paid for. In those moments I am experiencing life from a different angle. It doesn't matter what the story is about as long as it is different from mine.

Is fantasy a way for me to escape from life? No. It is just another perspective or reality of life that I will never experience as such. In that way super hero movies are just like any real life drama. They just have a little twist.

--> The bike