On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work out?” they wonder, “Are we stuck together forever?” St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.” “Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple. “Geez!” St. Peter exclaims, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer?”
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say “That should be me up there!”
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, “Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said “Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, “yes.” He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, “Moses.” The burglar asked, “what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?” The parrot said, “the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000.”
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting flies,” He responded.
“Oh, killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I’m afraid to pee.
I saw this at the cinema last night and it was definitely money well spent. I doubt I’ll buy this on DVD though.
I went in expecting the movie to be rather different to what it turned out to be, which wasn’t a bad thing. But once I had figured out where this was going I thought it was a little predictable - and I am not the kind to sit there thinking about what could happen next! I just wasn’t surprised when it happened.
The ending was left a little too open for my liking. No doubt the story had come to an end but I’d have liked a little more detail about the characters.
Still. I came out of the cinema and was happy for a few hours well spent and this review might sound a little more negative than I want it to.
I got the chance to watch this movie a little before it’s release and I loved it! Looking forward to the release on DVD cause I am sure as hell going to buy it immediately.
The only thing I didn’t like was the lack of explanation what happened since the end of season 10. Obviously some time has passed (and they chose to just not comment on Carter’s long hair, but from an actor’s point of view I can understand it. It’s just hair after all. 
). There were a few moments when I didn’t like the acting, but admittedly I have come to expect those moments in the series. Tight shooting schedule I suppose won’t allow to really dive into the scene.
However, there were definitely some great dialogue moments again! I love the dynamic in this new “post-season-8″ team! Especially thanks to Vala.
As soon as I saw the opening title I noticed how well this would work as a series of movies à la Star Trek! I hope we’ll see more Stargate movies after Continuum!
I enjoyed it and am happy to have seen it cause I won’t buy it on DVD…
At first I didn’t even like the concept - it felt too sensational, if you know what i mean… But I liked what they did with it! I cared about the character and at one point I cried like a baby!
The ending was too Hollywood for my liking. I felt it was more about giving the actor a chance to shine than telling a good story. It felt cliche.
Still, it was good entertainment, some eye candy and 2 hours well spent.
