The bike

So far all of my bicycles have been stolen. Admittedly I didn't lock them very often but hey! I was a teen at the time and didn't really see money as being something important. It was just a bike after all. But when my last bike - which I actually did care about - was stolen from the back of my (shared) house about two years ago I thought it just wasn't to be. I suppressed the fact that again I hadn't locked it but damn! it was in my back garden!

It's two years later (Jul03). I have grown up. I now know what it is like to not have much money to spare. I kept delaying it but in the end I did go and buy another bike. That was about three weeks ago. I realized that it was not a matter of fate that all my bikes had been stolen. It was simply the fact that I hadn't locked them! I am now more responsible with my belongings - especially the expensive ones. (I will let you know should this bike get stolen again - promise!)

Today I was riding along on a very quiet road (industrial estate on a Saturday afternoon) and started experimenting with the bike. Let one hand go, let the other go - just briefly. Suddenly I was reminded of times when I was around 15 years old.

I remembered this steep bumpy winding road which I used to cycle down on my way to school every morning. I remembered speeding it down free hand with my eyes closed just to freak out anyone who saw me. I also did it when noone was around to see me. I enjoyed it and I told myself that I knew every single bump and hole on the road. But of course I didn't.

Then I remembered how I speeded over roads knowing that I would definitely just miss the approaching car. I wasn't aware how dangerous my "driving" style was. It was just fun for me. It was my attempt at living my life to the fullest. Nothing ever happened to me. Not a single accident. I started to believe that I was protected in some way, that I was not supposed to die just yet. And even though one might assume that I suddenly went crazy and started doing stupid things (or just more of them) it actually had quite the opposite effect. I calmed down and suddenly felt like I had a responsibility. I don't know how to explain it any further but that's when I started believing that everything happens for a reason.

I guess I am just trying to say that there is a lesson in everything that happens. Trying to find it is the challenge and my responsibility. That's my way of living life to it's fullest.

--> Fazit

Super heroes & the like

Fantasy, roleplaying, super hero comics and movies... escape from life? Not for me.

I LOVE LIFE! In fact I love it soo much that the fact that I am apparently only ever going to live one of them makes me angry. I would like to experience it from all sorts of different angles but I came into this world with these parents (nothing against my parents), with my background, with my personality, influences and surroundings. I will never know what it is like to grow up in a different town or country or family. I will never know what person I would be had I grown up being extremely poor or filthy rich. I will never know what it is like to be out of control (I don't think anyway). For you RPG players out there I see myself being somewhere between NG and LG, and I will probably never know what it is like to be anything other than that.

The reason why I want to be an actress is that when I try to understand another character so well that I can act like them it makes me feel like I am cheating life. Like I am getting more than I paid for. In those moments I am experiencing life from a different angle. It doesn't matter what the story is about as long as it is different from mine.

Is fantasy a way for me to escape from life? No. It is just another perspective or reality of life that I will never experience as such. In that way super hero movies are just like any real life drama. They just have a little twist.

--> The bike

Money, money, money

Money alone doesn't make you happy. But it sure helps!

This page is more like personal brainstorming so if you'd rather read something a little more general just skip ahead to --> super heroes and the like.

For about two years I lived in shared houses and therefore had hardly any monthly expenses. That gave me a very nice life style! I bought one or two video box sets a month and had pizza or curry delivered about three times a week. My account never went below 0 and even though I lived quite a bit away from my friends and only saw them every couple of weeks I was more or less happy. I felt free and spent my time on my own creating SG.com. Then the previously mentioned events happened and now I live in my house and have most of my money going out for bills. I have bought maybe two DVDs and CDs this year (ok, I went on a desperate shopping spree last week and bought 8 DVDs at £6 each!). I have not bought a single video/DVD box set in the last 18 months. Sure there are things of more importance but the fact that I can not afford them makes me unhappy. Depressed at times.

Surely if I want more money I just need to get a better job! I even could! I know there are jobs out there that would earn me more money. They would of course also be boring office jobs that I'd probably like a lot less than my current job!

I could throw everything away and go back to uni or college. Give up my house, my social life and study for a better career and work at the same time to pay the bills. It is not what I want, though I am honestly having a hard time putting the thought of it aside. My dream after all is acting but I guess I will try it through local theaters first before throwing everything I have right now away. (I have changed my mind since I wrote this and I am currently applying to Drama schools. Feb04)

How about just putting a lot of effort into my current job and moving up within the company. Become a manager! That means more money! That would be great, wouldn't it? Not for me, thanks. I want to put my energy into my life, my hobbies. I don't want a job that comes with more responsibility and makes me work overtime. I don't want to be one of those people with work mobile phone - always available in case something goes wrong. In a way I want a life that is just not possible in today's world unless you are lucky or a genius. I want it all and I want it now. And that's what makes me write these lines.

My thoughts keep circling around this one question: Is there any way at all that I could make my life less ordinary?

--> super heroes & the like

The normal life

I always wanted something different for my life. Back in the days when I was still thinking about what kind of career I wanted to make I never knew what I wanted. But I knew I didn't ever want to do an office job. Maybe I could be an artist? Or a journalist? Well guess what!

I live the normal life. I get up in the morning, take a shower, have a quick breakfast while running for the bus that will get me to work. (not got a driving license yet.)
I have a 9to5 office job. It is a nice job as jobs go. But I will have to work unpaid overtime during the next two months or so and I hate the thought if it. In the evenings I leave work, generally with a headache which will go away within minutes of me getting home. Then I will start doing all the things I really enjoy:

Watch movies, work on my website, practice my anime drawing skills, write my fanfiction, paint scenes of LotR on my walls, chat to friends on forums and via MSN, record mini discs for my way to work, roleplay one day in the week, play board games on another, go to the cinema, meet my parents in a local pub from time to time, go into London for a night out, practice my Karate every day and I love yoga!

I am lying. I don't have time to do all these things. Maybe I will do all of them over a period of a few months. But I have never even tried yoga before, though I'd like to. Have you ever felt like there are just not enough days in the week? I am scared of living my life like this with hardly any time to do all the things I enjoy doing.

Back in January 2002 I was ready to change my life. I was ready to leave my office job and go back to college/university. I made the decision of becoming an actress. I had been toying with the idea for years and finally found the guts to say it out loud. I got as far as filling in an application form. All I needed to do was send it out and hope that I'd be good enough at the audition.

Then my Mum came up with the idea of helping me to buy a house. I had been living in shared houses until then and it seemed foolish to let such an opportunity go. That's it! It didn't seem wrong. It seemed foolish. I did what education and common sense told me to do. When it came to making a decision I made it with my mind, not my heart. Just writing these lines makes me angry.

So here I am sitting in my own little house leading the normal life. It's not all bad! As I said I love life with all it's ups and downs! But it doesn't change the fact that i wish it was more.

I recently took a week off work and I loved it. It made me realize what I was missing out on and it made me write these lines. I'd get up in the morning knowing that I could do whatever I wanted all day! Well, not *everything*. I can't afford that. That brings me to my next issue...

--> Money, money, money

Intro

Hi there!

I don't know what's come over me but I suddenly felt like putting some of my thoughts down in writing. These pages are all about me, me, me. And about life. And I don't expect anybody to ever read them. But if you do, feel free to comment. Why am I putting this online? Well, I guess my hope is that some fantastic like minded guy reads this, contacts me and I've never met him before but he happens to live around the corner of mine. Have I mentioned that he's georgious looking? Hey! Gotta have dreams! Another thought is that deep down I would prefer to tell this stuff into someone's face but unless they'd never ever interrupt me and let me explain everything very carefully (sometimes taking several minutes to think about how to do that) then they'd probably just tell me to see a psychiatrist!

Now where shall I start. Life sucks. Oops! Don't get me wrong. I love life with all it's ups and downs. Am I suicidal? No. Far from it. Life is an experience far too valuable to miss. After all, how could we appreciate the ups without experiencing the downs from time to time. It's the downs that help us develop and grow. Life is a journey. Bad and horrible things happen along the way. But I believe (actually.. I have absolutely no doubt) that everything happens for a reason. That's turned out to be a very healthy approach to life for me. My motto is to enjoy life and see the good in everything that happens. Shit happens. But when it does I think about how it might help my personal development. Doesn't make sense? Nevermind. Life rarely does. Or does it?

Still reading? Wow! You wouldn't happen to be a gorgeous looking guy living round the corner of mine, would you? You've probably seen me around. I often listen to music or sing while walking down the road or waiting at the bus stop. You would only have heard me sing if I didn't see you though. I am shy like that. I usually look pretty serious most of the time. I hope you are not one of those guys who tell me that I should cheer up or smile. I am not being miserable and I don't need cheering up. I am probably just thinking about life and what it is and what it isn't.

If you've ever seen me enter or leave my home then you might have thought that I seem a bit young to own a house like that. That's because I am. I am lucky to have parents who offered me to pay the deposit of this pretty house while I live in it and basically buy it off them. But just as one would expect, everything comes with a price. While this pretty little house is the cause for lots of good things in my life, it has also been my greatest challenge yet. Let me explain:
advantages: freedom, control
down side: lack of the above.

Freedom is very important to me. While I feel free to do what I want in my own home I also feel chained by the bills, by the location, even by the grass in the garden that just keeps growing despite my best efforts of convincing it to stop growing once it's reached a height of 5cm. See my point?

--> living the "normal" life